A Day In My Life

I've debated the title of this post for about an hour now trying to remember if articles in a title should be capitalized or not. Look, I made a choice, let's just move on from this.

Today, I wanted to take you along for a typical day with me, because I spend 97% of my time alone and it feels better if I imagine I have you guys there with me. Cyber hugs! Keep it above the waist.

I started out the morning bright and early at 5:00 am to watch not one, but two movies in a row on Netflix. You'd be surprised to hear that Don't Be A Menace and Annie actually pair quite nicely when watched subsequently.
There it is again. Articles in a title, and underlining vs italics. I need English lessons.

After that, I chugged two cups of coffee and had every intention of proudly sporting my slipper shoes into Salvation Army to buy silverware--don't judge--, but within almost minutes my bowels were screaming from my previous beverage choices and all I could think of was the safety of the Target bathroom where I was headed next.

Can you detect the hustle?

At Target, I proceeded to purchase only the items on my list, and successfully made it through checkout without any attitude sales pitches from the Target lady. Seriously, if you ask me about that debit care one more time....

I bought aforementioned silverware, because girl can't keep a fork in the house around here....



...and curtains, the rod to which I strategically used to cover my five head/pose for an awkward wizard-like selfie.

I also snapped this photo of Zoey on the outside table, which Zack hates because he fears she will fall through the glass and shred herself to bits and which I secretly encourage because of cuteness reasons. We're great parents.

After avoiding picking up this small piece of trash on the floor for the rest of the morning, I decided I would treat myself to some sushi for lunch.

Aren't you grateful for this visual aid?

The trek to get sushi was somewhat less than enjoyable. If you have ever tried to parallel park a long bed F-150 on a busy street you understand. Oh, and there was that moment when I tried to take a paper from The Pitch dispenser and was unfortunate enough to discover that someone had peed in there.

But all in all, it was a pretty good, productive day. I came home and outrageously almost forgot to take a picture of my food before I ate it. 

Following my food coma, I took a three hour nap and am now sharing it with you fine people.

Thanks for hanging out with me today. You're the best imaginary friends a girl could ask for. Byeee!

Welcome Back!

I'm baaaaack!

If you're returning from several months ago I'd like to say thank you for coming back to visit me.

For the newbies,.... why did it take you so long to get here??

Just kidding. 

I needed to take a short little hiatus from this and other forms of social media to really refocus on myself, blah, blah, blah, long story short I'm back. Doing this again. Maybe reactivating Facebook. Maybe not. Not sure yet. 

I guess the best way to get going here is to just catch you up on what I've been doing since March??? (gasp) 

So let's see....

I decided I'm ready to work day shift to get back to sleeping at night and being awake during the day.

Vampire life just doesn't work for me anymore.

We've been slowly but surely finishing the basement to finally have some more living space. Thank you Zack and Dad.

My sister graduated college and has been living with me temporarily while saving up for her own place, which she just found so, yay Aubs.

And I guess, circling back to why I started this thing in the first place, I've been seeing my counselor now for 10 months!

That is the longest amount of time I have ever committed to anything. Period. 

Well, aside from my husband.

I have been doing really well with that for several months now and quite honestly am considering terminating my treatment at the end of this year. Again, we'll see. 

That is also, however, why I was kind of struggling with jumping back in here because I can really foresee that this eating disorder thing isn't going to be such a big part of life anymore. So I guess this is where I should insert the disclaimer that I may not be talking about that as much this go around. I suppose I could just start a new blog but the name More Than a Fork and that cheesy little banner art up top took me more time than I care to admit to come up with, so... I'm staying here. (snaps)

What I can instead offer you are stories/updates about myself navigating this early-to-mid-twenties-quarter-life-crises-of-sorts. 

Wow, that sounds so disgustingly entitled and I think I may have overused the hyphen.

Anyhow, if you've ever drunkenly tried to make a box of macaroni and cheese with your vanilla almond/soy milk or just narrowly walk the line of agoraphobia like myself, welcome and pull up a cupcake. ??

And for the takeaway please enjoy this extremely edited picture of me. Byeee.

Feel Better When You've Finished Eating Than When You Started

Round 2!

Two posts this week! I'm starting to get the hang of this again and it feels nice!

So yesterday started off with a loooooong overdue nutrition appointment. Even though I've been seeing these people for months now, the drive there always creates a little bit of anxiety for me. My fear is that I'll sit down, get comfortable, and then not have anything to say. Well, I could have easily put that fear to rest this week because almost as soon as my butt hit the couch I was spewing anecdote after anecdote recalling my past few weeks.

It honestly occurred to me for a moment, "Maybe I should take a breath and let her talk for a while..... She looks like she wants to say something..... Oops, I just interrupted her again." But then I reminded myself I paid for this time, so she can just sit there and focus on gas exchange because I clearly needed to vent.

We talked about how I feel like I'm finally at the height of my weight gain and how hopefully now that it has leveled off I might start to see it go down again. (Fingers, toes, eyes crossed on this one!)

We talked about how I'm starting to feel more comfortable examining how eating certain foods make me feel physically. I told her it's been a miracle that I've passed up the opportunity to get pizza on a few occasions, just because I knew that afterwards I would feel bloated, puffy, and even headache-y(?) It's my blog, I'll invent words if I want to. To this she gave me this nugget of advice, that the goal of eating is to feel better when you are finished than when you started.

Brilliant! Someone should pay her for this stuff, oh wait...

This led to our my next conversation about how I've finally gotten over my greek yogurt aversion. After limiting myself to plain non-fat for so long, even just the thought of it previously brought some stomach acid to the back of my throat. (Too much?) Well somehow, I kind of just woke up one morning with a craving and bam! Here we are again choosing this fine fellow for an almost daily snack. However, --watch your calorie counters explode with this one-- I have decided that full fat, vanilla flavoured* is the way to go! (*Just trying out the alternate spelling of this word for fun. Sorry Brits, it just feels wrong.)

Anyhow, top that sucker with some microwaved frozen berries and granola...... it's basically dessert. Old me would have freaked about the idea of full fat dairy, let alone additional toppings, i.e. calories. So I was actually completely relieved when she said that herself and another nutritionist in their practice have themselves recently made the switch back to full fat dairy. Because fat tastes good! And, I guess the research she's been reading has suggested that even saturated fats aren't as damaging as previously thought.

Who cares??? Argue that all day if you want, I personally just leave the science to my husband. All I know is tastes good and I feel good afterwards.

So we talked about this and much more but I think I'll leave it at that for today. I'm going to go try to vacuum off the thick layer of earth my dogs have brought into the house. I should just give up and have dirt floors.

Peace!

What foods have been making you feel good lately?

Spring Ramblings

Hello Forkers! I'm not entirely sure I like the sound of that but oh well, it works for now.

Well, the seasons have literally changed since I updated this bad boy and I'm not exactly excited about it. Breezy short shorts and skin revealing summer clothes aren't necessarily the types of things I feel like prancing around in these days. I'm honestly dreading it very much and it's been giving me some anxiety thinking about how I'm going to make it through these next few months without a huge sweatshirt to hide behind. Also, cleaning out my closet, as I have been doing, has drastically limited the selection of things I have to wear right now.

However, instead of letting it get to me, I've focused instead on the fact that I get to buy new clothes. So, my plan to brave this steamy season is to utilize A-frame knee length skirts and cardigans with t-shirts. Sounds good, right?

Also, today I ate this brie for breakfast after an exhausting, post night shift grocery shopping session and I just have to say I love him! It felt like such a treat and satisfied the craving I have for something savory after I get home from work. Yay cheese!

Then, my Ulta order came in! I've been on the fence about getting the Anastasia Brow Wiz for months and I finally took the plunge and bought it. I also ordered the Benefit Gimme Brow because I just needed it wanted to try it. Brows galore!

Honestly, I've been super obsessed with drawing my eyebrows in super dark and straight lately. It's no coincidence that I developed this preference after Zack and I binge watched all three seasons of Game of Thrones. I pretty much only pay attention to the scenes with Daenerys in them, I mean......Emilia Clark. Enough said.
So this is my best attempt.

Before brows

After brows!

I've even considered repurchasing these colored contacts I used to buy from this super sketchy strip mall I used to go to in college, and was about two clicks away from ordering a blonde wig online a few days ago, just to make the transformation complete.

Who doesn't like a good dress up session?
Just me??
Cool.

Anyways, that's all my weirdness lately. If you've made it to the end of this post, scattered as it was, I applaud you and hope you found this to be a awesome use of your time.

I'll try to get back to some of the "meatier" stuff later this week, or maybe not. Let me know if you like these fluffier posts. I kinda think they might be nice to lighten it up and add some balance to the blog. After all finding balance is the ultimate goal here!

What are you up to this weekend?

Italian Night!

My goodness, I have really stepped away from this blog for longer than I intended to!

Honestly, I just had a few terrible weeks in a row that I could not seem to shake. Perhaps it was a residual backlash after trimming down my therapy sessions so drastically, so quickly. Anyhow, I just felt like a complete social failure. It seemed like every interaction I had with people was painfully awkward and forced. I know I was certainly not a pleasure to be around. I would have moments throughout the day where I would just start crying and not know why. Weird stuff. Stuff that was pretty discouraging and isolating.

Luckily, I survived. Not like there was any real danger of that not happening. However, when your emotions are getting the better of you like that it can certainly feel that way. I don't know how or what got me through it. Though as I'm sitting here reflecting on it now, I have to say I think it's because I kept fighting. I kept pushing myself to face my fears, to be in public, to try new things, and to be uncomfortable. Was it pretty? No. Embarrassingly enough, I had a very public cry session at bar for a friend's birthday. Told ya I was fun to be around. But whatever. It happened. I looked like a freak. I cried, because I cried in public the next day. I was a hot mess.

But do you know what? I'm so glad I was. For whatever reason, I needed to be sad for while. I needed to feel anxious, watch my mascara run, and smear the lipstick half way across my face in full view of strangers....Well maybe not that last part. Whether I knew it or not, I needed to get low, to get truly disturbed like that so I could climb myself out of that hole on my own. Perhaps losing time with my therapists was too much for me just then. But perhaps, I was beginning to rely on other people to deal with my emotions for me too. I don't plan on being in therapy forever and though it is a great tool that I intend to use to its fullest extent it's not a tool I want to depend on forever. I need to learn to fix things on my own and to analyze myself with some distance to regain perspective. So though I am incredibly grateful I have an appointment with my counselor this Tuesday, I'm also grateful to be able to say I'm figuring some of this out for myself too.

To top it all off, I finally had a positive social experience that I could be proud of! I had some friends over for an Italian themed pot-luck of sorts and it turned out really well. Good food, cheap wine, and lots of laugh and catching up. All in all, I needed to remember that I have friends despite my flaws and that I can be myself in front of people and it's ok! I also totally meant to take pictures but forgot as that's not a natural habit of mine, oh well. Anyways, enjoy this photo of the Shrimp Fra Diavolo I made with very real comments about its tastiness from my friends.

Gotta enjoy positive feedback. It was a busy weekend, but a good one.

What did you do this weekend?

Relieving A Heavy Heart

Well, this week hit me like a ton of bricks, which I was completely not expecting. Then again, when do people ever expect to be battered by bricks? Several events this week have had me feeling less than.

Firstly, I'm having to reevaluate the status of my relationships with certain people in my life and that's never a comfortable situation to be in. As I'm learning more about myself and coming to the realization that I am in complete control of how I feel at all times, I have been challenged to accept a few things:

1. It is a waste of time to wait for apologies from others. You may never get them. You may, and find that they are completely unsatisfying. 
2. Forgiveness is a practice that best serves yourself rather than it does the other person. 

I have realized it's such a futile attempt to try to hurt others who have hurt you, because at the end of the day it's exhausting to spend so much negative energy on someone who probably doesn't care at all.

This is the way some relationships end, and you know what, I think it's okay to let them.

Secondly, I will be seeing some friends soon that I haven't seen in a couple of months and I'm very nervous about it. At first, I was really excited about the idea of catching up but within a couple hours of  accepting the invitation my anxieties kicked in and now I've contemplated not going at all. Typically, I've faced these situations by disarming them with humor.

"Can we all just all address the elephant in the room? Hi, my name is Katie."
Ba-zing!

But this time feels different. I know you're true friends should not care about what you look like, they should like you for you. But then again having an eating disorder for close to a decade now kind of just implies that I'm not always the queen of rational thought.

Truth is, I'm very embarrassed of how I look right now. I wish I could carry a sign around my neck with a disclaimer reading "Look, I know I've gained a lot of weight. I'm working on a few thing right now." Then at least, maybe they could forgive me for it and I could in turn forgive myself. 

See how that forgiveness thing went full circle for me this week?

Anyhow, that shame cycle has me trapped currently.

I realize this is not the encouraging, "you can do it" attitude that I've tried to display on here previously, but this is what has been weighing on my heart and I had to share it. This process is happening in real time, to me, a real person and I think as nice as it is to share all of my successes, the struggles along the way are where real lessons are learned. 

How did you overcome your struggles this week?

Don't forget to like, comment, or share with your friends.

Thanks!

3 Reasons We Overeat/Binge

This information is one of those "too good not to share" moments that has been incredibly helpful to me.

One of my first few meetings with my nutritional counselor, I was explaining my lack of hunger cues and how I felt like I was just alway eating all the time. If there was a more poised way to say "Help me, I can't stop stuffing my face!",  I was doing my best to figure it out.

What she told me in response was not what I actually wanted her to say--I wanted more tips on how to stop eating/distract myself, i.e. drink a full glass of water, brush your teeth, go for a walk instead, blah, blah, blah--but instead she began describing the 3 reasons why we overeat in an effort to explain my behavior.

There are at least 3 major reasons why most people overeat/binge.

1- Starvation/Hunger- This is where I spent the majority of my eating disorder when it first began. Getting to the point where you are beyond ravenous. Allowing ourselves to get this incredibly hungry we end up just tossing back whatever is in front of us in unreasonable amounts. When I was I was 100 or so pounds it was no issue to throw down 15 bucks worth of the dollar menu for just myself. It's not always that severe, but I bet we've all been in a place where we let ourselves get just a bit too hungry.

2- Deprivation- At first glance, this may seem like starvation but it's actually very different. This is when we've been hungry, acknowledged it, and filled up on chicken and broccoli when we were really wanting pasta. Trying to kill that craving, you stuff every sort of "allowed" food in your mouth and before you know it you've had two bags of rice cakes, plus the macaroni you wanted in the first place. For me, deprivation leads to this panicky approach to eating.

3- Emotional- This was the hardest for me to accept about myself. I never pegged myself as an emotional eater. I never cried into a gallon of ice cream on the sofa, I didn't emotionally eat! Boy, was I wrong. What I failed to realize all this time was that there are many ways to emotionally besides just out of sadness. When I really, really thought about it I tended to want food the times I felt anxious, or nervous, or unwelcomed, or resentful, or lonely, there was a whole list of emotions I never knew existed because all this time I'd been so focused on the food.

*Side note: Boredom is also often used as a culprit for emotional eating. For me, that never made sense. I have a problem with the word bored, I need to be more descriptive than that for. Do I feel unmotivated, tired, lonely, etc. This is also why I would never say I ate out of boredom because to me there are so many other words that are more meaningful and better say what I am actually feeling.

Of course, I wanted my nutritionist to tell me more about how to keep those behaviors up. That's what I had been doing for years, so much so I didn't know there was any other way to be. But there is.

After learning and really focusing on applying it to my life I feel so much more in control of understanding why I am eating or wanting to eat when I'm not hungry. My husband can even attest to the fact I have literally stopped in the middle of doing something and said "I really want to eat something right now, but I'm know I'm not hungry. I need to figure out why I feel this way." And I did. I sat down and just talked outloud--partly to my husband, but mostly to myself-- and figured out I was feeling anxious and bored. I had a lot of energy just then and felt like being social. So I had to ask myself what was a better way to use my time where I could fulfill one or all of these needs at that moment, instead of eating? I put on some headphones and went for a jog around the block, not to exercise, let's be very clear about that. I did it because I needed to move my body and I needed to get out of the house and be out in the world for a little while.

So maybe next time you feel in a place of overeating you can run these 3 reasons through your head and really figure out what need you are trying to fill with that food. Acknowledging the problem is sometimes the hardest part.

I hope this means something to you. I have been working so hard to come to this point with myself. Be patient and keep trying if you're right there too.

Thanks!

Coffee Date #2

Sheesh!

Just when I promise I'm going to update this blog more I go ahead and leave you hanging. 

No excuses.

I've had so many moments where I've thought, "Oh, I should write about that!", but then I never get around to it or I tell myself it's a bad idea, etc.

Anyways, I know I just did a coffee date with you, but it's the easiest way to fill you in on everything in one place. Plus, it just seems sort of relevant considering the amount of coffee I have been drinking lately. Once a Chemex girl, always a Chemex girl!

And so...

If we had coffee today, I actually probably couldn't drink it because my tongue is so acid burned from all the lemonade I've had lately. I think that taste of warm weather really got me excited and ilicited a lemon craving from hell that I'm now paying the price for.

If we had coffee, I'd pull up in my new car! I've never had a new car, in fact I've been driving the car I got in high school, which when pretty used even then, until now. Reliable transport is such an amazing feeling!

If we were having coffee, I'd also have to admit that to fit that new car into my budget I've had to cut back on my therapy. This really sucked to do at first, but my counselors said they are really pleased with the work I've done so far and understood that I had to do this. Honestly, I kind of agree with them. For a second I was really terrified that if I backed off, even a little, everything would fall apart but I don't know... I just don't think it will this time. :)

I'd also tell you that I finally sucked it up and bought some new clothes! Not a lot, just a few t-shirts and undergarments. I can't believe I tortured myself for so long wearing things that were so tight! Oh, what we will do for the sake of a number on a tag. So whatever, I bought the bigger size, ripped the tags out so I can't beat myself up about it on a bad day in the future, and we're moving on!

Last but not at all least, I'd tell you I ran two days in a row! Well kind of ran. More like jogged. With a lot of walking in between. It was a "wog". But I don't care! I wouldn't have even attempted this a few months ago because if I couldn't do more than five miles it wasn't worth it. ????????

This really is my logic sometimes.

If we were having coffee I'd tell you that things are truthfully going pretty great right now and I am so thankful for that. Additionally, I do have a couple more posts planned that I hope to get out in the next few days so just bear with me.

Thanks so much again!

I'm Julia Roberts

The past couple of days I've been listening to series of web interviews as part of 21 Day Mindful Eating Challenge hosted by Paula Galli. In the series she interviews a myriad of people--life coaches, nutritionists, holistic healthcare practitioners, etc.-- who can speak thoughtfully on the subject based on both life and work experience.

So far I've really enjoyed the videos and look forward to seeing the links to them in my inbox each morning. This is really big news for me because even as much I like to talk about my journey to recovery, there are still certain approaches to it that in the past have made me feel sort of ...uncomfortable.

Healing. Spirituality. Energy. Sacredness. Words like this and many more that seem to be the vocabulary to a "New Age" approach. One that quite honestly in the past mostly just made me cringe. Don't get me wrong. I would love to be connected to Mother Earth and all the auras and colors that surround her, but sometimes that feels about as authentic as asking me to live some acid induced vision where I lasso in a unicorn and shoot heart shaped beams of light out of my eyeballs.

Not that any one has actually suggested I do that but you get the picture, right?

Anyways, I'm surprised to say that I organically stumbled onto the practice of meditation while viewing these videos and I have to say I'm a little impressed.

I know I have said to a least of few of my friends before that I found certain peoples' voices very soothing. While it was generally in the context of someone giving a lecture in class and me fighting to stay awake, it was an experience I took note of. Listening to these interviews I noticed it was this same feeling that was making me stay so interested in the speaker. So then I thought, "I think people have a word for this". Although again, it's one I've shied away from in the past. Fast forward, I've been listening  to these guided meditation things on YouTube for the past few days.

If you're anything like I was, I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend (10 points if you know where that's from) and give it a chance. Call it relaxing, call it thinking, call it whatever you have to that makes it more approachable and really try it.

Anyhow, that's what's been making me happy lately and during this last one I realized I was moving onto the second chapter of my real life Eat, Pray, Love. Granted, shells and cheese in Kansas aren't quite the same as eating a plate of spaghetti in Italy, nor is laying in bed listening to YouTube like visiting a temple in India. But what can I say, at least here at home, I'm freaking Julia Roberts.

p.s. James Franco is her boyfriend in that movie, don't think I didn't notice ;)

Coffee Date #1

I'm back!

I took a little break from blogging--even though I really just started, how dramatic?--because I didn't want to overload you with content. Though it is therapeutic for me to write this, I started to feel a bit too stressed about doing it often enough and making sure it was entertaining enough. That's my lovely, controlling, perfectionistic mindset again there for you. Taking something good and fun, and examining it to pieces until it starts to just be painful. Anyhow, I took a break, refocused and recommitted myself regarding why I chose to start this in the first place and decided it was time to write again.

To catch up, I thought we'd have an imaginary coffee date inspired by my new reusable Starbucks cup I just bought, that I'm honestly way to excited about.

So grab a cup of whatever and let's chat!

If we were having coffee today, I'd tell you that I'm sick of the snow and can't wait to be rid of it. I'm ready to start doing things outside again, though Summer can hold off for just a few more months.

If we were having coffee, I'd tell you that I don't owe taxes this year so YAY!

I'd also tell you that I started to exercise a little this week. Nothing crazy, just a couple walks, some sit ups and lunges here and there. It just felt great to move again and not to be overwhelmed about sticking to a routine but just doing what feels good.

If we were having coffee, I'd tell you that I'd been feeling really lonely, especially on weekends. I get so excited for Friday and Saturday every week, all week, and then when it finally gets here I end up doing nothing. I tell myself that everyone is busy so I don't go out of my way to make plans with anyone. I get invited to do things and I find some sort of excuse to get out of it. I've been living this self-fulfilling prophecy and it's starting to be really upsetting.

So if we were actually having coffee, I'd have to say something about how proud of myself I was I actually showed up and that I was probably afraid for you to see me. The weight gain has really gotten to me and I know that's contributing to these feelings of isolation. I just feel too embarrassed to be seen right now.

If we were having coffee, I hope you would encourage me to get serious about getting some new clothes that fit my new body, because I think that would help to.

I'd also tell you that I decided to relax on my strict eat every three hours "rule". My nutritionist suggested I start to do this so I could relearn hunger and satiety, but I found that sometimes I'm really not hungry at three hours and it felt wrong to make myself eat just because it was time. So, I think I'm just going to go back to eating when I feel hungry. I think I'm aware enough now to do this accurately so we'll see how that goes. I haven't told my nutritionist about it yet, but I feel like she'd support that decision. Still though, I feel I kind of need that permission from someone else so I'll probably email her after writing this.

Lastly, as per usual, I'd probably tell you I was sorry for talking so much during our coffee date and would ask what was going on with you finally!

I hope things are well and I hope to get back to posting regularly.

What would you tell me about yourself on our coffee date?

The Power of Irrational Thought

The next post I had intended to write, was regarding overeating/bingeing and what causes those episodes. Though we will get to that, I decided to go in a different direction after all and being the captive audience you are, I guess you're coming along with me.

I wanted to speak about the delusions and irrational thoughts that my eating disorder has led me to believe throughout the years. Forget about the obvious body dysmorphic views that I'm sure you are familiar with. Beyond just thinking you are heavy when you are in reality very thin--and vice versa as I have come to learn firsthand-- there are certain frames of thought that are very easy to get caught up in. It's a black or white, all or nothing mindset that places these monstrous expectations on events, numbers, goals, etc. There is success, which you are constantly trying to reach and failure, where in which you feel you are perpetually stuck.

As long as I can remember, I have placed a huge on emphasis on meeting these certain "milestones". Benchmarks that I truly felt after I had passed would finally lead me to a place of happiness. For example, by fourth grade I remember thinking that things would sure be a lot easier if could just be skinnier.  I'd have the friends I wanted, I'd get notes from the cute boy in my class, the life I wanted, all of it. Somehow, I had already decided to put all of my eggs in that basket and to think that if I could just do this, everything would be different.

Well, that didn't happen. I didn't get skinnier. Everything wasn't different, and why would it be? However, I continued to think this way right into almost every aspect of my life.

"Now that I'm in high school, life is really going to be a lot better."
"So once I go to college, that's where things are going to happen."
"No, after I graduate, that's it."
"Well, I'm sure if we live together, that will solve everything."
"I know, after I buy this house, I'll be set."

Throw in the obsessions over the numbers on the scale:

"I'll really have a lot more friends after I'm 115 pounds."
"People will be much nicer to me after I hit 107."
"But really, once I make 95 I'll be happy. I can stop there."
"Now if I can just make it to the 80's..."


It's this horrible, perfectionistic mindset that makes it so no achievement is ever actually good enough. So no matter how great things really are, and how many blessings you have you can't ever really enjoy them.

This is the real recovery I'm trying to make. No longer a physical one, but a mental one. I really don't consider myself one who engages in any eating disorder behaviors anymore, but this stuff.... this is what really takes the longest to learn how to undo. And that's the misconception I myself have had for all these years in between. That because, I don't physically do anything anymore it's not still the same illness.

It's powerful, deceiving stuff. And the delusions are so strong that even when you think you have them figured out, they can still throw you through a loop. It's no secret that I still am concerned about weight loss. When my therapist asked my why I wanted to lose weight, it didn't seem like a wrong answer to say because I know I'd be happier. I don't know how I didn't catch it coming out of my mouth and she quickly pointed it out to ask if I really was happier when I was 90 something pounds. And I said yes.

No, really, I said that. I know that's not true. Anyone who knew me then can say that's not true. I wasn't happy. Yet, I tricked myself again, even if for just those ten minutes, into believing that is was. It's crazy.

I wanted to talk about this today because I know it is so easy to get overwhelmed and to run back to the things and thoughts we used to think worked for us. Even when you know the thoughts you're having are irrational, there's still that tiny bit of something there that makes you start to doubt the truth about the way things are. The problem is it's not always so tiny. Sometimes it's enormous, and sometimes it is the only thing you believe.

I hope that none of this was triggering to anybody. I just wanted to paint a picture of what this thought process is like and to convey the strength of it. Conquering it is my current battle and I know it is still in that same line of thinking to say this, but I really think after I can, everything else will be a piece of cake.

Is it wrong to talk about cake in an eating disorder post?
I don't care, we need to lighten this up after getting so heavy anyway.
???
Gosh, I'm hilarious.

It's not funny, but I can't get sucked into being too depressed about it anymore. I do take this seriously, but I have to keep some perspective too.

So, if I haven't yet bored you or offended you too badly, I hope you'll stick around with me. Maybe I'm still excited about the newness, but this has already been one of the best experiences I've had. Thank you again for letting me share this with you.

What Is Intuitive Eating?

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If you've been following this blog for any length of time, you may have already heard me reference intuitive eating. Though, from the words alone you can probably guess what it means to eat intuitively, I thought it was about time for me to spend some time explaining this concept and talk about why this is my ultimate goal.

Intuitive eating is a concept that encourages a reconnection with your body's innate signals of hunger, fullness, and food preference. If you are someone who has experience with an eating disorder or chronic dieting these signals may be distorted or even seemingly absent. The principles of intuitive eating are focused on re-teaching your body this and conclusively coming to your body's natural weight and state of well being. The principles are outlined in the book by the same name "Intuitive Eating" by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch. (Links in 'Suggested Books' tab).

There are 10 principles and they are as follows:
1. Reject the diet mentality
2. Honor your hunger
3. Make peace with food
4. Challenge the food police
5. Feel your fullness
6. Discover the satisfaction factor
7. Cope with your emotions without using food
8. Respect your body
9. Exercise- feel the difference
10. Honor your health with gentle nutrition

Obviously, the book walks you through each of these, what they mean and how to achieve them, etc. Honestly, finding this and reading it were huge catalysts towards my eventual pursuit of treatment. I truly felt it was my holy grail to even find that there were other people in the world who obsessed over food and dieting like I did and wanted help. It's a tricky line to distinguish, that though not everyone has a diagnosed eating disorder there are many who suffer from some form of disordered eating. Does that make sense?

Basically, if you've ever followed a diet before chances are when you have finished you still retain some of the behaviors you had taught yourself throughout. "These foods are good, these ones are bad, no carbs, no eating after 7 pm", whatever you had previously followed, even after you have stopped, these rules are hard to erase from our thoughts. This is how we get confused and it is confusing. The problem is after figuring out that "that diet" is no good it's harder and harder to go back to eating normally.

This is really all I want to do. In a perfect world, I would eat "normally". Like I imagine I did when I was a kid. I thought about food because I was hungry not because it seemed like eating was what I should be doing at that time. I exercised because it felt good to run around with my friends and jump on trampolines, not to burn off dinner from the night before. I don't want to count calories, points, ANYTHING for the rest of my life and I don't beleive I should have to. Maybe to some people that sounds too good to be true or even lazy. But I'm nor trying to get ripped here, just come to a place of peace with myself. And to the people who say "Just eat healthy", I can't help but be a little offended. I've had what feels like five million different sources trying to sell me their version of what healthy is, so frankly, trying to figure out how to "just eat healthy" gives me nothing more than a headache.

My only real issue with the book is that it is marketed as a diet book. I think on the cover it claims to be "A revolutionary program for weight loss that works!", which really doesn't follow the philosophy of book, i.e., Principle #1 Reject the Diet Mentality. Especially, since throughout the book it repeats that it is easier to become an intuitive eater if you let go and put weight loss on the back burner for once. So, for me that makes it really easy to overlook and lump in with other weight loss books. I guess it's a lucrative industry and marketing there is the best way to make money. Anyhow, I 'm glad I did pick it up as I believe it is a really helpful tool to becoming more mindful and connected with the way we eat.

If any of this sounds like you, I'm glad you found this blog and I hope you will continue to join me as I figure all of this out. I also encourage you to pick up this book and see what it can do for you. I think a lot of people would find it beneficial. Good luck on your own journeys and don't forget to like or share this with your friends.

Thanks!

Short and Sappy Sweet

What a long day it has been!

Anytime I spend a whole day away from the house running errands, when I finally do get home I feel like I didn't do anything that day. Am I alone in this?

Well, I am home now. And it's muddy. And smells like wet dogs. But instead of dealing with that I figured I'd just stay out of that dirty room, light a candle, and write a blog post!

I wanted to take some time to acknowledge the importance of support systems when dealing with a recovery, or really anything. Learning to ask for help and recognizing when I needed it were not only the first steps in this process for me, but they were also the most frightening, albeit liberating.

To seek treatment this time was a conclusion I had to come to on my own, but once I did the fear didn't end there.

How am I supposed to explain this to my husband?

Do I tell my family?

My friends?

Well, I guess we all know what happened with that as you are reading this, now public information.

I obviously told everyone and found I actually felt relieved to be so honest about everything for once. But sharing isn't a one way street. And though it was huge for me to finally open up about all of this doing so put me in a very uncomfortable, vulnerable, sensitive position.

I know, I know. My choice to do this right? And though I have appreciated every single positive comment from each and every one of you, one person in particular has done an astounding job in supporting me.

My husband.

How positively cheesy right????

But seriously, this experience--though still very new--has been incredibly revealing about just how supportive and concerned he is for me. It's incredible.

When you reach out to the world and don't get what you need it's horrifying. And if it happens a lot you unfortunately get used to it. So, when you reach out yet again and finally get what you've been needing all along it's very overwhelming. So much so, that it's easy to forget the other person. It takes a lot to be a support person too. It's difficult to see the ones you love in a different, sometimes unflattering light. It's also difficult to know exactly what to do and how to handle the situation when someone is unloading so much on to you. For that these support people really need to be commended.

This is the focus of this post. Praising those people that are there for us. It's easy to be a little selfish when you are need and to forget to do this. But how will they know what they are doing for you is so important if you don't take the time to truly applaud them for it? Take care of your support people if you want them to take care of you. You might not know what it's like in their shoes.

How My Eating Disorder Made Me Fat

I had a small freak out this week getting dressed.

I have undeniably gained weight since I've started this journey towards total recovery, and it was just made more clear by the fact that my clothes are getting tighter than ever. I've had to set aside more than half of my wardrobe because it no longer fits, so if any ladies are interested in picking through those clothes just let me know. Hanging on to them is almost just as painful as realizing I have to get rid of them in the first place.

This is making it very hard to have faith that all of this treatment is worth it because frankly with results like this, it's very easy to get frustrated. 

However, I am choosing to continue regardless.

Thinking it over, it really is no mystery where this weight gain has come from. Since I have been working so hard to conquer "fear foods", I think it's safe to say I pretty much have. And now, I often overindulge in them. In fact, in relinquishing those fears towards certain foods I think I have discovered what will probably be my next great hurdle, fear of hunger. 

It's a concept that was really hard for me to pinpoint at first and can be somewhat difficult to explain.

There is clearly food available at any gas station, restaurant, grocery store, etc., on basically every street I know and I, thankfully, am in a financial situation where I don't have to worry about when my next meal will come. 

But I do.

And I can easily say that it is this fear (or anxiety) that has been controlling my life as of late. Talking about this with my therapists really puts it all in perspective. Though it was self induced, I suffered a trauma. I lived in a state of starvation for years and it is only natural that I should have anxieties related to it. Even my "gentler", healthier attempts at dieting trigger these feelings. The way I cope with this anxiety, ironically, is what in turn gives me anxiety. My overeating. Get it?

Hopefully, this illustration can help me explain.

In an effort to prevent hunger and the anxiety it brings, I often overeat or "pre-feed" myself so I won't be caught in a situation without food later. Doing this means I am completely ignoring my body's signals of hunger and satiety. So then, I anxiously wait for the return of those hunger cues to tell me when I should eat again. However, since I am so out of touch with these cues, by the time I can recognize them my level of hunger is pretty high, which creates anxiety, and thus the cycle repeats itself. 

It's exhausting.

It's something I didn't even realize I was doing and now that I have it's something I am determined to conquer.

So how?

We talked about the idea of eating every three to fours, which is neither difficult nor a novel idea. But, even that kind of structure or set of rules around eating made me again feel anxious because to me rules=restriction. So after helping me climb away from that ledge, I realized that this probably is the best place to start to reteach myself hunger and for my body to trust it is going to get fed. 

Yeesh, how many times can a person say anxiety in one blog post?

Anyhow, that's my goal for this week. I hope this wasn't too long to read but once I get going it's kind of hard to condense everything down to something I think might actually get read. So let me know if you think I should keep it shorter or if this is ok.

Thanks again!

                                      

I can't do another diet

At last week's end, I began my first consultation with my nutritional therapist.  Though that was over four days ago, it has taken me this long to find something to say about it.

To begin, it's important to note that I had worked the night before so I was operating on the measly one hour nap I had when I got home, before I left for the appointment. So needless to say, I wasn't feeling so bright and shiny, and by the amount of rasp in my voice and the fact that yesterday's mascara was probably to my chin at that point, I'm sure the nutritionist could tell so too.

Despite my initial knee jerk reaction to run upon entering her office and seeing a scale and what I presumed was some sort of body fat calculator or metabolic rate calculator I went into the room and started the consultation. And then it was over.

The confusion I had wasn't about what took place--the normal series of questions about how I got to this place, what my daily intake looked like, etc.-- it was about was I told to do as I left, nothing. Now I had already fervently explained that I would refuse a meal plan because of the immediate anxieties simply following one would bring me, but I expected some sort of "plan" that at least bore a resemblance to the latter. Nope.

What has taken me half a week to realize is that my intangible assignment is to continue to lose faith in traditional approaches to nutrition and to continue building trust with my own body. She explained that the majority of conventional nutritionist's approaches center around educating the client. Things like reading food labels, learning the food groups, teaching what calories are. Well that approach is useless to me. Sometimes I feel like I could recite back, just from memory, an easy half dozen diet books I've read. Believe me when I say I know what "the rules" are. She continued to say that what we would instead be doing is continuing to work towards our ultimate goal of intuitive eating. A principle which deserves it's own post that I intend to address separately in the future.

It made perfect sense when she was explaining it to me, but like I said, still when I left without a piece of paper in my hand telling me exactly what to "do", I felt lost. And I feel confident in saying that any of my other fellow chronic dieters would feel the same way.

For some reason, as many times as I have put all my hopes into that approach of eat this, not that and have failed literally every single time I still expect for a method like that to be my solution.

Why?

Because it's easier to believe that I was the reason these things didn't work, than to say, "Maybe dieting doesn't work". How many hundreds of times have you yourself or someone you know failed at a diet and said, "It was me. I didn't stick to it. I don't have willpower. I'm the failure."just to pick up and start a new diet the following week. If you were trying to climb the sides of your house with just your hands and feet you pretty obviously couldn't do it. Yet you don't beat yourself up and say "I just don't have willpower. My hands just aren't made for this. It's just me. I failed.". Get a ladder and try again.

So in this story, I guess my therapy is my ladder, my new approach because honestly guys, I can't do another diet. I refuse to be made to feel like a failure even one more time and in case you've needed the permission from someone else so say it for you, you're not the failure because it hasn't worked for you either, the system is.

And so while I thought I left her office with nothing, aside from reasonably smaller pockets, I realize I did get something out it. Something I needed someone else to finally say for me too.

Thank You!...and more

First of all, 

thank you, thank you, thank you for the overwhelming amount of support I was shown after my first and second posts! 

I'm so happy it was so well received and I hope it's not too much to ask for your continued interest as I myself continue with this process.

I was also very excited that some of you took the time to personally comment on this subject and again that pleases me to no end. I would love if this could be as interactive as possible and could be something we really have a conversation about. My hope is that even just pieces of what I say could be relatable to all.

So then, where did I last leave off?

Personal value.

I finally figured out why this might have been so difficult for me and if you tried the exercise I mentioned in this post too and struggled, maybe thinking of it in this way will help. 

Nobody is loving, determined, talented, funny, empathetic, etc., all the time. These aren't black and white qualities that we can expect to find in people at every waking moment. I'm some of these things some of the time and likely so is everyone else I know. And that's ok. And that's normal.

Needless to say, my list is still a work in progress but I do feel like I'm headed towards a good start. 

I also wanted to note that another roadblock in that thought process is actually a really huge one for me and that is the notion of guilt.

Guilt and shame have been two of my best friends, whether I always knew it or not, these past years. Guilt over the tension and anxiety I have created for my friends and family. Shame for still being affected by all of this and not having figured it all out already. Goodness, I can't even say the words "eating disorder" out loud most times and even typing it now is making me wince a little. 

Those are such heavy burdens to bear that I think it makes it hard for me to give myself any sort of accolade on my personality. 

But the past is the past, and I think the next logical step towards moving on and proving that to myself is forgiveness. Forgiving myself for the way things have been, for the way things are now, and for however long it takes me to move through this. 

And actually, I think we all might have things to forgive ourselves for.

So why not start now?

More Than A Fork... and Values

I guess I probably should have mentioned something about the title and how I came to it in my inaugural post but needless to say there was a lot to cover and it sort of slipped my mind.

So with that, after brainstorming over countless witty, potential names I found most of which were already taken (However, last I checked Feed This Bitch was still up for grabs if you're interested.) I finally came to More Than A Fork because I wanted this to be more than just about the physical eating disorder and more about the behavior behind it. Just as when I was thin I really needed more than a forkful of food to help me, as a larger person now,  I know I need more than forkful of vegetables to solve my problems. And so a blog was born. Get it?

Moving right along, this week's "homework" assignment was to think about the values I have as a person, as more than just a body. And I'm sad to say I found this really hard to do. If you asked me what I value about my friends I can list trust, empathy, sense of humor, intelligence, etc., but when I have to sit down and think about what I bring to the table I can't help but draw blanks.

It's not that I believe I'm completely worthless. I don't. I promise I'm not that melodramatic anymore. It's just really difficult for me to think about myself in this way. I've spent the last couple of days with a pen and paper determined to come up with this list and I wind up just getting distracted and doing the dishes or something else....So at least I've been cleaning, right?


Anyways, this is what I will be working on for the next couple of days.

Can you come up with a list of values you have?

So here goes...

Well I'm doing it.

 After thinking it through I figured what's the worst that can happen?

I'm writing this here to include you in my journey towards wellness both physically and mentally. To some of you it is no secret that I have had an eating disorder for no more than several years now. Since, almost as long as I can remember actually. And while I have not always been "active" in practicing the rituals one would normally associate with such an illness, it has continuously been an affliction of mine nonetheless.

The purpose of writing this is not however to rehash old memories--of which there are surprisingly little--of how I used to live my life but rather to share where all of that has gotten me and how I am dealing with it now.

This will no doubt be a naked and sometimes embarrassing view into my thought processes but I am choosing to share it not only for my own documentation and accountability towards improvement, but additionally so that others may grow with me and above all else avoid following in my footsteps.

So, with the goal of progress in mind I thought it would be important to share where I am now if only to serve as a measurable starting point.

I am 23 years old. Married. Full time RN. Childless but dog- full (3 to be exact). And though I have this illness I am the heaviest I have ever been or could have ever imagined to be. Please don't be mistaken in thinking that eating disorder means you are thin and fainting all the time because although I have been there before, I can honestly say I've spent more of lifetime in this phase. I have a horribly wrecked metabolism and not even an inkling of how to have a normal relationship with food. From the time I open my eyes each day until I go to sleep hardly a moment passes where I don't think about food or my body image and after all these years, I'm pretty sick of it.

My goals are simple. To wake up, get dressed without cringing, live a healthy and active lifestyle, eat when I'm hungry, stop when I'm full and think no more of it. I don't feel like that's too much to ask and yet at the moment I can't do it.

But I will. And I know that it will take a seemingly excruciating amount of time to learn but I am determined to really do so.

And so I will end with that. A proclamation to the world that I will not give up on myself, that this is just the beginning, and that I will have that life I always dreamed of and thank you for being here to support me.

If you have any questions or requests for me to address something please feel free to comment on any post and I would love to talk about it.

 Thanks again,
 K