I have undeniably gained weight since I've started this journey towards total recovery, and it was just made more clear by the fact that my clothes are getting tighter than ever. I've had to set aside more than half of my wardrobe because it no longer fits, so if any ladies are interested in picking through those clothes just let me know. Hanging on to them is almost just as painful as realizing I have to get rid of them in the first place.
This is making it very hard to have faith that all of this treatment is worth it because frankly with results like this, it's very easy to get frustrated.
However, I am choosing to continue regardless.
Thinking it over, it really is no mystery where this weight gain has come from. Since I have been working so hard to conquer "fear foods", I think it's safe to say I pretty much have. And now, I often overindulge in them. In fact, in relinquishing those fears towards certain foods I think I have discovered what will probably be my next great hurdle, fear of hunger.
It's a concept that was really hard for me to pinpoint at first and can be somewhat difficult to explain.
There is clearly food available at any gas station, restaurant, grocery store, etc., on basically every street I know and I, thankfully, am in a financial situation where I don't have to worry about when my next meal will come.
But I do.
And I can easily say that it is this fear (or anxiety) that has been controlling my life as of late. Talking about this with my therapists really puts it all in perspective. Though it was self induced, I suffered a trauma. I lived in a state of starvation for years and it is only natural that I should have anxieties related to it. Even my "gentler", healthier attempts at dieting trigger these feelings. The way I cope with this anxiety, ironically, is what in turn gives me anxiety. My overeating. Get it?
Hopefully, this illustration can help me explain.
In an effort to prevent hunger and the anxiety it brings, I often overeat or "pre-feed" myself so I won't be caught in a situation without food later. Doing this means I am completely ignoring my body's signals of hunger and satiety. So then, I anxiously wait for the return of those hunger cues to tell me when I should eat again. However, since I am so out of touch with these cues, by the time I can recognize them my level of hunger is pretty high, which creates anxiety, and thus the cycle repeats itself.
It's exhausting.
It's something I didn't even realize I was doing and now that I have it's something I am determined to conquer.
So how?
We talked about the idea of eating every three to fours, which is neither difficult nor a novel idea. But, even that kind of structure or set of rules around eating made me again feel anxious because to me rules=restriction. So after helping me climb away from that ledge, I realized that this probably is the best place to start to reteach myself hunger and for my body to trust it is going to get fed.
Yeesh, how many times can a person say anxiety in one blog post?
Anyhow, that's my goal for this week. I hope this wasn't too long to read but once I get going it's kind of hard to condense everything down to something I think might actually get read. So let me know if you think I should keep it shorter or if this is ok.
Thanks again!
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