Thank You!...and more

First of all, 

thank you, thank you, thank you for the overwhelming amount of support I was shown after my first and second posts! 

I'm so happy it was so well received and I hope it's not too much to ask for your continued interest as I myself continue with this process.

I was also very excited that some of you took the time to personally comment on this subject and again that pleases me to no end. I would love if this could be as interactive as possible and could be something we really have a conversation about. My hope is that even just pieces of what I say could be relatable to all.

So then, where did I last leave off?

Personal value.

I finally figured out why this might have been so difficult for me and if you tried the exercise I mentioned in this post too and struggled, maybe thinking of it in this way will help. 

Nobody is loving, determined, talented, funny, empathetic, etc., all the time. These aren't black and white qualities that we can expect to find in people at every waking moment. I'm some of these things some of the time and likely so is everyone else I know. And that's ok. And that's normal.

Needless to say, my list is still a work in progress but I do feel like I'm headed towards a good start. 

I also wanted to note that another roadblock in that thought process is actually a really huge one for me and that is the notion of guilt.

Guilt and shame have been two of my best friends, whether I always knew it or not, these past years. Guilt over the tension and anxiety I have created for my friends and family. Shame for still being affected by all of this and not having figured it all out already. Goodness, I can't even say the words "eating disorder" out loud most times and even typing it now is making me wince a little. 

Those are such heavy burdens to bear that I think it makes it hard for me to give myself any sort of accolade on my personality. 

But the past is the past, and I think the next logical step towards moving on and proving that to myself is forgiveness. Forgiving myself for the way things have been, for the way things are now, and for however long it takes me to move through this. 

And actually, I think we all might have things to forgive ourselves for.

So why not start now?