Relieving A Heavy Heart

Well, this week hit me like a ton of bricks, which I was completely not expecting. Then again, when do people ever expect to be battered by bricks? Several events this week have had me feeling less than.

Firstly, I'm having to reevaluate the status of my relationships with certain people in my life and that's never a comfortable situation to be in. As I'm learning more about myself and coming to the realization that I am in complete control of how I feel at all times, I have been challenged to accept a few things:

1. It is a waste of time to wait for apologies from others. You may never get them. You may, and find that they are completely unsatisfying. 
2. Forgiveness is a practice that best serves yourself rather than it does the other person. 

I have realized it's such a futile attempt to try to hurt others who have hurt you, because at the end of the day it's exhausting to spend so much negative energy on someone who probably doesn't care at all.

This is the way some relationships end, and you know what, I think it's okay to let them.

Secondly, I will be seeing some friends soon that I haven't seen in a couple of months and I'm very nervous about it. At first, I was really excited about the idea of catching up but within a couple hours of  accepting the invitation my anxieties kicked in and now I've contemplated not going at all. Typically, I've faced these situations by disarming them with humor.

"Can we all just all address the elephant in the room? Hi, my name is Katie."
Ba-zing!

But this time feels different. I know you're true friends should not care about what you look like, they should like you for you. But then again having an eating disorder for close to a decade now kind of just implies that I'm not always the queen of rational thought.

Truth is, I'm very embarrassed of how I look right now. I wish I could carry a sign around my neck with a disclaimer reading "Look, I know I've gained a lot of weight. I'm working on a few thing right now." Then at least, maybe they could forgive me for it and I could in turn forgive myself. 

See how that forgiveness thing went full circle for me this week?

Anyhow, that shame cycle has me trapped currently.

I realize this is not the encouraging, "you can do it" attitude that I've tried to display on here previously, but this is what has been weighing on my heart and I had to share it. This process is happening in real time, to me, a real person and I think as nice as it is to share all of my successes, the struggles along the way are where real lessons are learned. 

How did you overcome your struggles this week?

Don't forget to like, comment, or share with your friends.

Thanks!

3 Reasons We Overeat/Binge

This information is one of those "too good not to share" moments that has been incredibly helpful to me.

One of my first few meetings with my nutritional counselor, I was explaining my lack of hunger cues and how I felt like I was just alway eating all the time. If there was a more poised way to say "Help me, I can't stop stuffing my face!",  I was doing my best to figure it out.

What she told me in response was not what I actually wanted her to say--I wanted more tips on how to stop eating/distract myself, i.e. drink a full glass of water, brush your teeth, go for a walk instead, blah, blah, blah--but instead she began describing the 3 reasons why we overeat in an effort to explain my behavior.

There are at least 3 major reasons why most people overeat/binge.

1- Starvation/Hunger- This is where I spent the majority of my eating disorder when it first began. Getting to the point where you are beyond ravenous. Allowing ourselves to get this incredibly hungry we end up just tossing back whatever is in front of us in unreasonable amounts. When I was I was 100 or so pounds it was no issue to throw down 15 bucks worth of the dollar menu for just myself. It's not always that severe, but I bet we've all been in a place where we let ourselves get just a bit too hungry.

2- Deprivation- At first glance, this may seem like starvation but it's actually very different. This is when we've been hungry, acknowledged it, and filled up on chicken and broccoli when we were really wanting pasta. Trying to kill that craving, you stuff every sort of "allowed" food in your mouth and before you know it you've had two bags of rice cakes, plus the macaroni you wanted in the first place. For me, deprivation leads to this panicky approach to eating.

3- Emotional- This was the hardest for me to accept about myself. I never pegged myself as an emotional eater. I never cried into a gallon of ice cream on the sofa, I didn't emotionally eat! Boy, was I wrong. What I failed to realize all this time was that there are many ways to emotionally besides just out of sadness. When I really, really thought about it I tended to want food the times I felt anxious, or nervous, or unwelcomed, or resentful, or lonely, there was a whole list of emotions I never knew existed because all this time I'd been so focused on the food.

*Side note: Boredom is also often used as a culprit for emotional eating. For me, that never made sense. I have a problem with the word bored, I need to be more descriptive than that for. Do I feel unmotivated, tired, lonely, etc. This is also why I would never say I ate out of boredom because to me there are so many other words that are more meaningful and better say what I am actually feeling.

Of course, I wanted my nutritionist to tell me more about how to keep those behaviors up. That's what I had been doing for years, so much so I didn't know there was any other way to be. But there is.

After learning and really focusing on applying it to my life I feel so much more in control of understanding why I am eating or wanting to eat when I'm not hungry. My husband can even attest to the fact I have literally stopped in the middle of doing something and said "I really want to eat something right now, but I'm know I'm not hungry. I need to figure out why I feel this way." And I did. I sat down and just talked outloud--partly to my husband, but mostly to myself-- and figured out I was feeling anxious and bored. I had a lot of energy just then and felt like being social. So I had to ask myself what was a better way to use my time where I could fulfill one or all of these needs at that moment, instead of eating? I put on some headphones and went for a jog around the block, not to exercise, let's be very clear about that. I did it because I needed to move my body and I needed to get out of the house and be out in the world for a little while.

So maybe next time you feel in a place of overeating you can run these 3 reasons through your head and really figure out what need you are trying to fill with that food. Acknowledging the problem is sometimes the hardest part.

I hope this means something to you. I have been working so hard to come to this point with myself. Be patient and keep trying if you're right there too.

Thanks!

Coffee Date #2

Sheesh!

Just when I promise I'm going to update this blog more I go ahead and leave you hanging. 

No excuses.

I've had so many moments where I've thought, "Oh, I should write about that!", but then I never get around to it or I tell myself it's a bad idea, etc.

Anyways, I know I just did a coffee date with you, but it's the easiest way to fill you in on everything in one place. Plus, it just seems sort of relevant considering the amount of coffee I have been drinking lately. Once a Chemex girl, always a Chemex girl!

And so...

If we had coffee today, I actually probably couldn't drink it because my tongue is so acid burned from all the lemonade I've had lately. I think that taste of warm weather really got me excited and ilicited a lemon craving from hell that I'm now paying the price for.

If we had coffee, I'd pull up in my new car! I've never had a new car, in fact I've been driving the car I got in high school, which when pretty used even then, until now. Reliable transport is such an amazing feeling!

If we were having coffee, I'd also have to admit that to fit that new car into my budget I've had to cut back on my therapy. This really sucked to do at first, but my counselors said they are really pleased with the work I've done so far and understood that I had to do this. Honestly, I kind of agree with them. For a second I was really terrified that if I backed off, even a little, everything would fall apart but I don't know... I just don't think it will this time. :)

I'd also tell you that I finally sucked it up and bought some new clothes! Not a lot, just a few t-shirts and undergarments. I can't believe I tortured myself for so long wearing things that were so tight! Oh, what we will do for the sake of a number on a tag. So whatever, I bought the bigger size, ripped the tags out so I can't beat myself up about it on a bad day in the future, and we're moving on!

Last but not at all least, I'd tell you I ran two days in a row! Well kind of ran. More like jogged. With a lot of walking in between. It was a "wog". But I don't care! I wouldn't have even attempted this a few months ago because if I couldn't do more than five miles it wasn't worth it. ????????

This really is my logic sometimes.

If we were having coffee I'd tell you that things are truthfully going pretty great right now and I am so thankful for that. Additionally, I do have a couple more posts planned that I hope to get out in the next few days so just bear with me.

Thanks so much again!

I'm Julia Roberts

The past couple of days I've been listening to series of web interviews as part of 21 Day Mindful Eating Challenge hosted by Paula Galli. In the series she interviews a myriad of people--life coaches, nutritionists, holistic healthcare practitioners, etc.-- who can speak thoughtfully on the subject based on both life and work experience.

So far I've really enjoyed the videos and look forward to seeing the links to them in my inbox each morning. This is really big news for me because even as much I like to talk about my journey to recovery, there are still certain approaches to it that in the past have made me feel sort of ...uncomfortable.

Healing. Spirituality. Energy. Sacredness. Words like this and many more that seem to be the vocabulary to a "New Age" approach. One that quite honestly in the past mostly just made me cringe. Don't get me wrong. I would love to be connected to Mother Earth and all the auras and colors that surround her, but sometimes that feels about as authentic as asking me to live some acid induced vision where I lasso in a unicorn and shoot heart shaped beams of light out of my eyeballs.

Not that any one has actually suggested I do that but you get the picture, right?

Anyways, I'm surprised to say that I organically stumbled onto the practice of meditation while viewing these videos and I have to say I'm a little impressed.

I know I have said to a least of few of my friends before that I found certain peoples' voices very soothing. While it was generally in the context of someone giving a lecture in class and me fighting to stay awake, it was an experience I took note of. Listening to these interviews I noticed it was this same feeling that was making me stay so interested in the speaker. So then I thought, "I think people have a word for this". Although again, it's one I've shied away from in the past. Fast forward, I've been listening  to these guided meditation things on YouTube for the past few days.

If you're anything like I was, I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend (10 points if you know where that's from) and give it a chance. Call it relaxing, call it thinking, call it whatever you have to that makes it more approachable and really try it.

Anyhow, that's what's been making me happy lately and during this last one I realized I was moving onto the second chapter of my real life Eat, Pray, Love. Granted, shells and cheese in Kansas aren't quite the same as eating a plate of spaghetti in Italy, nor is laying in bed listening to YouTube like visiting a temple in India. But what can I say, at least here at home, I'm freaking Julia Roberts.

p.s. James Franco is her boyfriend in that movie, don't think I didn't notice ;)

Coffee Date #1

I'm back!

I took a little break from blogging--even though I really just started, how dramatic?--because I didn't want to overload you with content. Though it is therapeutic for me to write this, I started to feel a bit too stressed about doing it often enough and making sure it was entertaining enough. That's my lovely, controlling, perfectionistic mindset again there for you. Taking something good and fun, and examining it to pieces until it starts to just be painful. Anyhow, I took a break, refocused and recommitted myself regarding why I chose to start this in the first place and decided it was time to write again.

To catch up, I thought we'd have an imaginary coffee date inspired by my new reusable Starbucks cup I just bought, that I'm honestly way to excited about.

So grab a cup of whatever and let's chat!

If we were having coffee today, I'd tell you that I'm sick of the snow and can't wait to be rid of it. I'm ready to start doing things outside again, though Summer can hold off for just a few more months.

If we were having coffee, I'd tell you that I don't owe taxes this year so YAY!

I'd also tell you that I started to exercise a little this week. Nothing crazy, just a couple walks, some sit ups and lunges here and there. It just felt great to move again and not to be overwhelmed about sticking to a routine but just doing what feels good.

If we were having coffee, I'd tell you that I'd been feeling really lonely, especially on weekends. I get so excited for Friday and Saturday every week, all week, and then when it finally gets here I end up doing nothing. I tell myself that everyone is busy so I don't go out of my way to make plans with anyone. I get invited to do things and I find some sort of excuse to get out of it. I've been living this self-fulfilling prophecy and it's starting to be really upsetting.

So if we were actually having coffee, I'd have to say something about how proud of myself I was I actually showed up and that I was probably afraid for you to see me. The weight gain has really gotten to me and I know that's contributing to these feelings of isolation. I just feel too embarrassed to be seen right now.

If we were having coffee, I hope you would encourage me to get serious about getting some new clothes that fit my new body, because I think that would help to.

I'd also tell you that I decided to relax on my strict eat every three hours "rule". My nutritionist suggested I start to do this so I could relearn hunger and satiety, but I found that sometimes I'm really not hungry at three hours and it felt wrong to make myself eat just because it was time. So, I think I'm just going to go back to eating when I feel hungry. I think I'm aware enough now to do this accurately so we'll see how that goes. I haven't told my nutritionist about it yet, but I feel like she'd support that decision. Still though, I feel I kind of need that permission from someone else so I'll probably email her after writing this.

Lastly, as per usual, I'd probably tell you I was sorry for talking so much during our coffee date and would ask what was going on with you finally!

I hope things are well and I hope to get back to posting regularly.

What would you tell me about yourself on our coffee date?