Honestly, I just had a few terrible weeks in a row that I could not seem to shake. Perhaps it was a residual backlash after trimming down my therapy sessions so drastically, so quickly. Anyhow, I just felt like a complete social failure. It seemed like every interaction I had with people was painfully awkward and forced. I know I was certainly not a pleasure to be around. I would have moments throughout the day where I would just start crying and not know why. Weird stuff. Stuff that was pretty discouraging and isolating.
Luckily, I survived. Not like there was any real danger of that not happening. However, when your emotions are getting the better of you like that it can certainly feel that way. I don't know how or what got me through it. Though as I'm sitting here reflecting on it now, I have to say I think it's because I kept fighting. I kept pushing myself to face my fears, to be in public, to try new things, and to be uncomfortable. Was it pretty? No. Embarrassingly enough, I had a very public cry session at bar for a friend's birthday. Told ya I was fun to be around. But whatever. It happened. I looked like a freak. I cried, because I cried in public the next day. I was a hot mess.
But do you know what? I'm so glad I was. For whatever reason, I needed to be sad for while. I needed to feel anxious, watch my mascara run, and smear the lipstick half way across my face in full view of strangers....Well maybe not that last part. Whether I knew it or not, I needed to get low, to get truly disturbed like that so I could climb myself out of that hole on my own. Perhaps losing time with my therapists was too much for me just then. But perhaps, I was beginning to rely on other people to deal with my emotions for me too. I don't plan on being in therapy forever and though it is a great tool that I intend to use to its fullest extent it's not a tool I want to depend on forever. I need to learn to fix things on my own and to analyze myself with some distance to regain perspective. So though I am incredibly grateful I have an appointment with my counselor this Tuesday, I'm also grateful to be able to say I'm figuring some of this out for myself too.
To top it all off, I finally had a positive social experience that I could be proud of! I had some friends over for an Italian themed pot-luck of sorts and it turned out really well. Good food, cheap wine, and lots of laugh and catching up. All in all, I needed to remember that I have friends despite my flaws and that I can be myself in front of people and it's ok! I also totally meant to take pictures but forgot as that's not a natural habit of mine, oh well. Anyways, enjoy this photo of the Shrimp Fra Diavolo I made with very real comments about its tastiness from my friends.
Gotta enjoy positive feedback. It was a busy weekend, but a good one.
