The Power of Irrational Thought

The next post I had intended to write, was regarding overeating/bingeing and what causes those episodes. Though we will get to that, I decided to go in a different direction after all and being the captive audience you are, I guess you're coming along with me.

I wanted to speak about the delusions and irrational thoughts that my eating disorder has led me to believe throughout the years. Forget about the obvious body dysmorphic views that I'm sure you are familiar with. Beyond just thinking you are heavy when you are in reality very thin--and vice versa as I have come to learn firsthand-- there are certain frames of thought that are very easy to get caught up in. It's a black or white, all or nothing mindset that places these monstrous expectations on events, numbers, goals, etc. There is success, which you are constantly trying to reach and failure, where in which you feel you are perpetually stuck.

As long as I can remember, I have placed a huge on emphasis on meeting these certain "milestones". Benchmarks that I truly felt after I had passed would finally lead me to a place of happiness. For example, by fourth grade I remember thinking that things would sure be a lot easier if could just be skinnier.  I'd have the friends I wanted, I'd get notes from the cute boy in my class, the life I wanted, all of it. Somehow, I had already decided to put all of my eggs in that basket and to think that if I could just do this, everything would be different.

Well, that didn't happen. I didn't get skinnier. Everything wasn't different, and why would it be? However, I continued to think this way right into almost every aspect of my life.

"Now that I'm in high school, life is really going to be a lot better."
"So once I go to college, that's where things are going to happen."
"No, after I graduate, that's it."
"Well, I'm sure if we live together, that will solve everything."
"I know, after I buy this house, I'll be set."

Throw in the obsessions over the numbers on the scale:

"I'll really have a lot more friends after I'm 115 pounds."
"People will be much nicer to me after I hit 107."
"But really, once I make 95 I'll be happy. I can stop there."
"Now if I can just make it to the 80's..."


It's this horrible, perfectionistic mindset that makes it so no achievement is ever actually good enough. So no matter how great things really are, and how many blessings you have you can't ever really enjoy them.

This is the real recovery I'm trying to make. No longer a physical one, but a mental one. I really don't consider myself one who engages in any eating disorder behaviors anymore, but this stuff.... this is what really takes the longest to learn how to undo. And that's the misconception I myself have had for all these years in between. That because, I don't physically do anything anymore it's not still the same illness.

It's powerful, deceiving stuff. And the delusions are so strong that even when you think you have them figured out, they can still throw you through a loop. It's no secret that I still am concerned about weight loss. When my therapist asked my why I wanted to lose weight, it didn't seem like a wrong answer to say because I know I'd be happier. I don't know how I didn't catch it coming out of my mouth and she quickly pointed it out to ask if I really was happier when I was 90 something pounds. And I said yes.

No, really, I said that. I know that's not true. Anyone who knew me then can say that's not true. I wasn't happy. Yet, I tricked myself again, even if for just those ten minutes, into believing that is was. It's crazy.

I wanted to talk about this today because I know it is so easy to get overwhelmed and to run back to the things and thoughts we used to think worked for us. Even when you know the thoughts you're having are irrational, there's still that tiny bit of something there that makes you start to doubt the truth about the way things are. The problem is it's not always so tiny. Sometimes it's enormous, and sometimes it is the only thing you believe.

I hope that none of this was triggering to anybody. I just wanted to paint a picture of what this thought process is like and to convey the strength of it. Conquering it is my current battle and I know it is still in that same line of thinking to say this, but I really think after I can, everything else will be a piece of cake.

Is it wrong to talk about cake in an eating disorder post?
I don't care, we need to lighten this up after getting so heavy anyway.
???
Gosh, I'm hilarious.

It's not funny, but I can't get sucked into being too depressed about it anymore. I do take this seriously, but I have to keep some perspective too.

So, if I haven't yet bored you or offended you too badly, I hope you'll stick around with me. Maybe I'm still excited about the newness, but this has already been one of the best experiences I've had. Thank you again for letting me share this with you.

What Is Intuitive Eating?

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If you've been following this blog for any length of time, you may have already heard me reference intuitive eating. Though, from the words alone you can probably guess what it means to eat intuitively, I thought it was about time for me to spend some time explaining this concept and talk about why this is my ultimate goal.

Intuitive eating is a concept that encourages a reconnection with your body's innate signals of hunger, fullness, and food preference. If you are someone who has experience with an eating disorder or chronic dieting these signals may be distorted or even seemingly absent. The principles of intuitive eating are focused on re-teaching your body this and conclusively coming to your body's natural weight and state of well being. The principles are outlined in the book by the same name "Intuitive Eating" by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch. (Links in 'Suggested Books' tab).

There are 10 principles and they are as follows:
1. Reject the diet mentality
2. Honor your hunger
3. Make peace with food
4. Challenge the food police
5. Feel your fullness
6. Discover the satisfaction factor
7. Cope with your emotions without using food
8. Respect your body
9. Exercise- feel the difference
10. Honor your health with gentle nutrition

Obviously, the book walks you through each of these, what they mean and how to achieve them, etc. Honestly, finding this and reading it were huge catalysts towards my eventual pursuit of treatment. I truly felt it was my holy grail to even find that there were other people in the world who obsessed over food and dieting like I did and wanted help. It's a tricky line to distinguish, that though not everyone has a diagnosed eating disorder there are many who suffer from some form of disordered eating. Does that make sense?

Basically, if you've ever followed a diet before chances are when you have finished you still retain some of the behaviors you had taught yourself throughout. "These foods are good, these ones are bad, no carbs, no eating after 7 pm", whatever you had previously followed, even after you have stopped, these rules are hard to erase from our thoughts. This is how we get confused and it is confusing. The problem is after figuring out that "that diet" is no good it's harder and harder to go back to eating normally.

This is really all I want to do. In a perfect world, I would eat "normally". Like I imagine I did when I was a kid. I thought about food because I was hungry not because it seemed like eating was what I should be doing at that time. I exercised because it felt good to run around with my friends and jump on trampolines, not to burn off dinner from the night before. I don't want to count calories, points, ANYTHING for the rest of my life and I don't beleive I should have to. Maybe to some people that sounds too good to be true or even lazy. But I'm nor trying to get ripped here, just come to a place of peace with myself. And to the people who say "Just eat healthy", I can't help but be a little offended. I've had what feels like five million different sources trying to sell me their version of what healthy is, so frankly, trying to figure out how to "just eat healthy" gives me nothing more than a headache.

My only real issue with the book is that it is marketed as a diet book. I think on the cover it claims to be "A revolutionary program for weight loss that works!", which really doesn't follow the philosophy of book, i.e., Principle #1 Reject the Diet Mentality. Especially, since throughout the book it repeats that it is easier to become an intuitive eater if you let go and put weight loss on the back burner for once. So, for me that makes it really easy to overlook and lump in with other weight loss books. I guess it's a lucrative industry and marketing there is the best way to make money. Anyhow, I 'm glad I did pick it up as I believe it is a really helpful tool to becoming more mindful and connected with the way we eat.

If any of this sounds like you, I'm glad you found this blog and I hope you will continue to join me as I figure all of this out. I also encourage you to pick up this book and see what it can do for you. I think a lot of people would find it beneficial. Good luck on your own journeys and don't forget to like or share this with your friends.

Thanks!

Short and Sappy Sweet

What a long day it has been!

Anytime I spend a whole day away from the house running errands, when I finally do get home I feel like I didn't do anything that day. Am I alone in this?

Well, I am home now. And it's muddy. And smells like wet dogs. But instead of dealing with that I figured I'd just stay out of that dirty room, light a candle, and write a blog post!

I wanted to take some time to acknowledge the importance of support systems when dealing with a recovery, or really anything. Learning to ask for help and recognizing when I needed it were not only the first steps in this process for me, but they were also the most frightening, albeit liberating.

To seek treatment this time was a conclusion I had to come to on my own, but once I did the fear didn't end there.

How am I supposed to explain this to my husband?

Do I tell my family?

My friends?

Well, I guess we all know what happened with that as you are reading this, now public information.

I obviously told everyone and found I actually felt relieved to be so honest about everything for once. But sharing isn't a one way street. And though it was huge for me to finally open up about all of this doing so put me in a very uncomfortable, vulnerable, sensitive position.

I know, I know. My choice to do this right? And though I have appreciated every single positive comment from each and every one of you, one person in particular has done an astounding job in supporting me.

My husband.

How positively cheesy right????

But seriously, this experience--though still very new--has been incredibly revealing about just how supportive and concerned he is for me. It's incredible.

When you reach out to the world and don't get what you need it's horrifying. And if it happens a lot you unfortunately get used to it. So, when you reach out yet again and finally get what you've been needing all along it's very overwhelming. So much so, that it's easy to forget the other person. It takes a lot to be a support person too. It's difficult to see the ones you love in a different, sometimes unflattering light. It's also difficult to know exactly what to do and how to handle the situation when someone is unloading so much on to you. For that these support people really need to be commended.

This is the focus of this post. Praising those people that are there for us. It's easy to be a little selfish when you are need and to forget to do this. But how will they know what they are doing for you is so important if you don't take the time to truly applaud them for it? Take care of your support people if you want them to take care of you. You might not know what it's like in their shoes.

How My Eating Disorder Made Me Fat

I had a small freak out this week getting dressed.

I have undeniably gained weight since I've started this journey towards total recovery, and it was just made more clear by the fact that my clothes are getting tighter than ever. I've had to set aside more than half of my wardrobe because it no longer fits, so if any ladies are interested in picking through those clothes just let me know. Hanging on to them is almost just as painful as realizing I have to get rid of them in the first place.

This is making it very hard to have faith that all of this treatment is worth it because frankly with results like this, it's very easy to get frustrated. 

However, I am choosing to continue regardless.

Thinking it over, it really is no mystery where this weight gain has come from. Since I have been working so hard to conquer "fear foods", I think it's safe to say I pretty much have. And now, I often overindulge in them. In fact, in relinquishing those fears towards certain foods I think I have discovered what will probably be my next great hurdle, fear of hunger. 

It's a concept that was really hard for me to pinpoint at first and can be somewhat difficult to explain.

There is clearly food available at any gas station, restaurant, grocery store, etc., on basically every street I know and I, thankfully, am in a financial situation where I don't have to worry about when my next meal will come. 

But I do.

And I can easily say that it is this fear (or anxiety) that has been controlling my life as of late. Talking about this with my therapists really puts it all in perspective. Though it was self induced, I suffered a trauma. I lived in a state of starvation for years and it is only natural that I should have anxieties related to it. Even my "gentler", healthier attempts at dieting trigger these feelings. The way I cope with this anxiety, ironically, is what in turn gives me anxiety. My overeating. Get it?

Hopefully, this illustration can help me explain.

In an effort to prevent hunger and the anxiety it brings, I often overeat or "pre-feed" myself so I won't be caught in a situation without food later. Doing this means I am completely ignoring my body's signals of hunger and satiety. So then, I anxiously wait for the return of those hunger cues to tell me when I should eat again. However, since I am so out of touch with these cues, by the time I can recognize them my level of hunger is pretty high, which creates anxiety, and thus the cycle repeats itself. 

It's exhausting.

It's something I didn't even realize I was doing and now that I have it's something I am determined to conquer.

So how?

We talked about the idea of eating every three to fours, which is neither difficult nor a novel idea. But, even that kind of structure or set of rules around eating made me again feel anxious because to me rules=restriction. So after helping me climb away from that ledge, I realized that this probably is the best place to start to reteach myself hunger and for my body to trust it is going to get fed. 

Yeesh, how many times can a person say anxiety in one blog post?

Anyhow, that's my goal for this week. I hope this wasn't too long to read but once I get going it's kind of hard to condense everything down to something I think might actually get read. So let me know if you think I should keep it shorter or if this is ok.

Thanks again!

                                      

I can't do another diet

At last week's end, I began my first consultation with my nutritional therapist.  Though that was over four days ago, it has taken me this long to find something to say about it.

To begin, it's important to note that I had worked the night before so I was operating on the measly one hour nap I had when I got home, before I left for the appointment. So needless to say, I wasn't feeling so bright and shiny, and by the amount of rasp in my voice and the fact that yesterday's mascara was probably to my chin at that point, I'm sure the nutritionist could tell so too.

Despite my initial knee jerk reaction to run upon entering her office and seeing a scale and what I presumed was some sort of body fat calculator or metabolic rate calculator I went into the room and started the consultation. And then it was over.

The confusion I had wasn't about what took place--the normal series of questions about how I got to this place, what my daily intake looked like, etc.-- it was about was I told to do as I left, nothing. Now I had already fervently explained that I would refuse a meal plan because of the immediate anxieties simply following one would bring me, but I expected some sort of "plan" that at least bore a resemblance to the latter. Nope.

What has taken me half a week to realize is that my intangible assignment is to continue to lose faith in traditional approaches to nutrition and to continue building trust with my own body. She explained that the majority of conventional nutritionist's approaches center around educating the client. Things like reading food labels, learning the food groups, teaching what calories are. Well that approach is useless to me. Sometimes I feel like I could recite back, just from memory, an easy half dozen diet books I've read. Believe me when I say I know what "the rules" are. She continued to say that what we would instead be doing is continuing to work towards our ultimate goal of intuitive eating. A principle which deserves it's own post that I intend to address separately in the future.

It made perfect sense when she was explaining it to me, but like I said, still when I left without a piece of paper in my hand telling me exactly what to "do", I felt lost. And I feel confident in saying that any of my other fellow chronic dieters would feel the same way.

For some reason, as many times as I have put all my hopes into that approach of eat this, not that and have failed literally every single time I still expect for a method like that to be my solution.

Why?

Because it's easier to believe that I was the reason these things didn't work, than to say, "Maybe dieting doesn't work". How many hundreds of times have you yourself or someone you know failed at a diet and said, "It was me. I didn't stick to it. I don't have willpower. I'm the failure."just to pick up and start a new diet the following week. If you were trying to climb the sides of your house with just your hands and feet you pretty obviously couldn't do it. Yet you don't beat yourself up and say "I just don't have willpower. My hands just aren't made for this. It's just me. I failed.". Get a ladder and try again.

So in this story, I guess my therapy is my ladder, my new approach because honestly guys, I can't do another diet. I refuse to be made to feel like a failure even one more time and in case you've needed the permission from someone else so say it for you, you're not the failure because it hasn't worked for you either, the system is.

And so while I thought I left her office with nothing, aside from reasonably smaller pockets, I realize I did get something out it. Something I needed someone else to finally say for me too.

Thank You!...and more

First of all, 

thank you, thank you, thank you for the overwhelming amount of support I was shown after my first and second posts! 

I'm so happy it was so well received and I hope it's not too much to ask for your continued interest as I myself continue with this process.

I was also very excited that some of you took the time to personally comment on this subject and again that pleases me to no end. I would love if this could be as interactive as possible and could be something we really have a conversation about. My hope is that even just pieces of what I say could be relatable to all.

So then, where did I last leave off?

Personal value.

I finally figured out why this might have been so difficult for me and if you tried the exercise I mentioned in this post too and struggled, maybe thinking of it in this way will help. 

Nobody is loving, determined, talented, funny, empathetic, etc., all the time. These aren't black and white qualities that we can expect to find in people at every waking moment. I'm some of these things some of the time and likely so is everyone else I know. And that's ok. And that's normal.

Needless to say, my list is still a work in progress but I do feel like I'm headed towards a good start. 

I also wanted to note that another roadblock in that thought process is actually a really huge one for me and that is the notion of guilt.

Guilt and shame have been two of my best friends, whether I always knew it or not, these past years. Guilt over the tension and anxiety I have created for my friends and family. Shame for still being affected by all of this and not having figured it all out already. Goodness, I can't even say the words "eating disorder" out loud most times and even typing it now is making me wince a little. 

Those are such heavy burdens to bear that I think it makes it hard for me to give myself any sort of accolade on my personality. 

But the past is the past, and I think the next logical step towards moving on and proving that to myself is forgiveness. Forgiving myself for the way things have been, for the way things are now, and for however long it takes me to move through this. 

And actually, I think we all might have things to forgive ourselves for.

So why not start now?

More Than A Fork... and Values

I guess I probably should have mentioned something about the title and how I came to it in my inaugural post but needless to say there was a lot to cover and it sort of slipped my mind.

So with that, after brainstorming over countless witty, potential names I found most of which were already taken (However, last I checked Feed This Bitch was still up for grabs if you're interested.) I finally came to More Than A Fork because I wanted this to be more than just about the physical eating disorder and more about the behavior behind it. Just as when I was thin I really needed more than a forkful of food to help me, as a larger person now,  I know I need more than forkful of vegetables to solve my problems. And so a blog was born. Get it?

Moving right along, this week's "homework" assignment was to think about the values I have as a person, as more than just a body. And I'm sad to say I found this really hard to do. If you asked me what I value about my friends I can list trust, empathy, sense of humor, intelligence, etc., but when I have to sit down and think about what I bring to the table I can't help but draw blanks.

It's not that I believe I'm completely worthless. I don't. I promise I'm not that melodramatic anymore. It's just really difficult for me to think about myself in this way. I've spent the last couple of days with a pen and paper determined to come up with this list and I wind up just getting distracted and doing the dishes or something else....So at least I've been cleaning, right?


Anyways, this is what I will be working on for the next couple of days.

Can you come up with a list of values you have?